Brent Dax (brentdax) wrote,
Brent Dax

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You may not be aware, but Sue sporkers for Harry Potter came up with four "Sue houses" the Sues can be sorted into—Sparklipoo, Bitchiwitch, Tootsitramp, and Qanonreip. (The names are pretty transparent...) Well, someone asked what their founders were like, which lead jellyblob, mimisgrotto, and I to come up with a sorting song for Sue!Hogwarts:

A thousand years ago lived four
with super speshul skill
their powers were a thousand fold
over common wizard swill
'Let's found a Magic school!' said they
'so ALL can learn our tricks'
'And each of us shall guide their way
in Houses, just for kicks!'

Tootsitramp of Soho Town
accepted those near-nude
New York's pride, Blade Bitchiwitch
took those with attitude
Suburban Quagmire Qanonreip
sought all who flouted rules
While Sloane Serena Sparklipoo
took those who loved their jewels

So all was well for quite some time
Peace reigned among their clan
But soon the founders figured out
they shared a common plan
"WE'LL rule this school" dear Trixie purred,
and tossed her rippling hair
"For in the face of sex and lust
"The strongest shall lie bare!"

But Quagmire deigned to disagree
as he was wont to do
"Qanonreipists are the best,
my first-years could beat you!"
"Let's not fight," Serena begged,
Tears twinkling in her eyes
"For love and beauty conquers all
these boasts and taunts and lies!"

Blade arose, her white hand raised
She slapped tanned Trixie's face
"You should know a slut like you
is EASY to replace!"
The arguing went on and on
The Houses bragged non-stop
How THEY were clearly best of all
The others were a flop

In the end, when all was said
The school was not the same
The founders went their sep'rate ways
To scale more heights of fame
But I, the Sorting Tiara, stay
My voice rings clear and strong
So put me on - I'll match your clothes
Let's see where YOU belong!
Tags: harry potter

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